“Toxic” is a popular word we use to describe a person, group of people, or situation that brings us down, brings out the worst in us, or expects us to stay broken.

Think of a flower metaphor, with the flower doing its best to bloom and thrive.

A toxic environment for that flower would be a garden that is full of weeds and without sunshine.

That is what we are going to talk about today, about being a flower and trying to bloom and thrive in a toxic garden. 

When we are working on healing and wholeness, we are that flower trying to bloom and thrive.

But sometimes we find ourselves in toxic gardens.

Sometimes we are only in the garden a few times a year, like holidays, but sometimes we have to go into those gardens everyday, like if the garden is work or home.

It is very hard for us to bloom and thrive as the flower we want to be when we are surrounded by weeds with no sunshine.

The weeds don’t want us to leave. It is threatening to toxic people if we don’t stick around and play their game. They need us to validate their garden to them.

Sadly, this means we may never have their permission or support to leave. Which means we may have to do this growing and healing while they wish we would stay broken.

Accepting that fact is the first step towards wholeness if you are trying to bloom but have been held back by the weeds.

And just so you know, being a flower trying to heal is very common. Sometimes the flower is taken over by the weeds and surrenders to a life of no nourishment. But sometimes the flower figures out a way to heal and thrive.

Today we are going to talk about some of those ways. 

Before we go on, we have to set realistic expectations about this work. We cannot expect everything to be “fixed” in one day. I mean yes, in one day, a person can decide to divorce their spouse to avoid their in-laws, or to quit their job to avoid their boss, but as we will discuss, that doesn’t actually solve the problem long term.

So please don’t expect yourself to do all of this work in one day. Try a new step and really OWN it before moving on to the next step. We have to go through this in a way that honors our progress and allows time for healing and to really OWN the new mindframes.

Solar Plexus Work on Boundaries and Self-Worth

We almost always see a solar plexus block in the person who is struggling to thrive due to someone else in their life who is toxic.

To address this, we must DECIDE we DESERVE better.

This is a decision we must own in every cell of our body.

This decision is NOT about the other person. We aren’t deciding for them how they should act.

We are deciding what WE deserve, and what kinds of people we are going to give access to our time and energy.

The wrong way to make this decision is to go around work complaining to everyone about the boss so they all chime in and agree with us. This actually just contributes to the toxic energy. I know it is a challenge, but don’t look to anyone else to “let” you or “encourage” you to make this decision.

We can’t need the agreement of other people to decide what we deserve. 

So we consult anybody or try to get permission from anybody before WE decide what we deserve.

We also have to uphold the boundary for ourselves that we will not try to make decisions FOR the toxic person.

This work is about US, not them. We won’t think of all the ways they can improve and try to project that onto them.

All we will do is be honest with ourselves about what needs to be improved in our own circumstances and relationships and DECIDE we DESERVE better. 

Honestly, wouldn’t it just be easier if we could make the toxic people act in a way that does not trigger us or test our boundaries at all?

But we cannot control anyone else. We can only control ourselves in this moment. So our power comes from DECIDING we DESERVE better. 

We can say “I deserve better” or even “I.D.B.” as an affirmation to ourselves while driving to drop the kids off at daycare, driving home from work, or getting ready for bed, to program this new thinking into our brains.

Remember, we are choosing who we give access to our time and energy.

 

Understand Why Toxic People Get to Us

Toxic people only get under our skin for two reasons.

The first is that they are picking a scab or poking a bruise that is already there.

The second is that their existence, behavior, comments, whatever, challenge a limiting belief we have.

Either way, it. is. PAINFUL. We are triggered! This suffering is real! If we want to start healing while being surrounded by these toxic weeds, we have to get to the root of why they can cause us pain.

So let’s look at the first reason they bother us, which is that they are picking a scab that is already there. By this, I mean, they are hurting us in a way we have been hurt before.

Maybe it feels different enough that we don’t want to acknowledge it, but yeah, we are usually hurt by them because they are poking a bruise that was there before they arrived. 

If someone is criticizing you the way your 2nd grade teacher did, or humiliating you the way a sibling did, or ignoring you the way a friend from your past did, or withholding affection or approval the way a parent did, making you doubt yourself the way an old boss did, you will be triggered!

It makes sense that you would feel hurt again. And it takes a lot of guts and self-awareness to admit, even just to yourself, “This person is hurting me the same way I’ve been hurt before. They are playing out a painful pattern from my past.” 

We must remember as we do this work that we cannot change the toxic person that is currently in our life. We cannot change the person from our past where the pattern started.

All we can do is go inward and heal.

***And just a reminder, this part of the work might SUCK. It can get emotional and heavy and the things that we buried are rising to the surface. It can be overwhelming! Please talk to a mental health professional if you need extra support during this process. I am proud of you for sticking with this work, even when it gets hard, because it frees you and brings you closer to wholeness.***

The second reason we are triggered by someone toxic is because they challenge one of our beliefs.

A common belief I’ve seen and had myself is that “They should be nice to me because I am nice to them.”

That might be something I agree to, but not everyone will agree to that with me.

I know it might sound crazy at first, but the expectation that “They HAVE to be nice to me” is actually meant to control their behavior with my behavior.

Even though it is a “positive” expectation (that everyone will be nice), I am saying that they may not treat me poorly or gossip about me because I am nice to them.

But they don’t have to play by these rules I make up. So even if I believe it, it is not true, meaning people do NOT have to be nice to me just because I am nice to them, which means trying to convince everyone that my belief is a RULE is crazy-making for me. 

Another example of a limiting belief is “They should respect me as a good employee because I do a good job.”

Toxic people are not going to agree to this, and the expectation is still about controlling someone else’s behavior with our behavior.

“They HAVE to like me because I do such a good job.
They HAVE to be nice to me because I am nice to them.” 

We all know the truth, which is that not everyone agrees to play by these rules. But setting up rules for other people’s behavior is controlling, and not helpful (even if the intent is positive).

Plus we just end up losing more power to the toxic situations in our lives, because we keep trying to convince people of this “rule,” which is actually just an untrue belief.

We create these rules to avoid conflict and discomfort. But when our ultimate goal is to avoid conflict and discomfort, it ranks above our goal to heal and bloom. 

They healthiest way to get started here is to decide what you deserve.

“I deserve people in my life to treat me like _______________________” and then commit to that standard.

Since we can’t control people, they might show up and not agree to the standard. They don’t treat us the way we know we deserve to be treated.

We won’t try to change them. We just own that we deserve better, and follow that up with consequences.

People who do not agree to our standards will not receive our time or energy. The last piece of step 3 below will help you know how to do this.

Why They Still Have Power Over Us

The meat and potatoes of this healing
(mushrooms and potatoes if you are vegan, meat and mushrooms if you are paleo)

Consider that there is something you want from the toxic person.

Maybe you want your mother-in-law to like you.

Maybe you want your coworkers to validate your life choices.

Maybe you want your friend to accept you with the pain of your parent’s divorce instead of having to pretend it isn’t there.

For this step, we have to acknowledge the thing we want but aren’t getting.

This is where toxic people get their power.

We have to accept that our toxic person cannot give it to us the way we need, and that it hurts.

We have to commit to not trying to change the toxic person, because we don’t want to control them, which is itself toxic.

We must also commit to not trying to please, impress, or go out of our way to do anything extra or nice for this person or to get positive attention from them.

This is because, if we are trying to get positive attention from them, we are still trying to have them meet our need, which is not healthy.

We want something from them (admiration, acceptance, approval, etc) and they know it, which is how they can continue to have power over us. 

We must also commit to not trying to prove them wrong, and to not gather evidence of their flaws.

This is important because first, this work is not about changing them.

It is about healing ourselves.

And second, when we are trying to prove why they are wrong, we are usually just defending a belief we have about how other people “should” behave instead of defending our boundaries and finding the strength to follow through with consequences.

We must admit to ourselves what we do need.

We must commit to validating ourselves and having our needs met in healthy, self-affirming ways.

If we give other people the responsibility of validating us, they have the power to withhold it, and then we must play by their rules to earn good favor, even if their rules aren’t aligned with our values. We must learn to validate ourselves.

 Here is an exercise you can try and meditate on or journal about to gain come clarity about the dynamic you have with your toxic person.

I want ________________________ from you.

I cannot receive this from you the way I need, and it hurts.

I won’t try to change you.

I won’t try to please you, impress you, or go out of my way to do anything extra or nice for you, or to get positive attention from you.

I do need_________________________, and that is ok.

I am committed to meeting this need for myself.

I am committed to validating myself.

I am committed to having this need met in a healthy, self-affirming, empowering way.

I release you, and my expectation of you meeting this need.

I take responsibility for this need, and I will meet it for myself.

 

Good luck, stay gentle with yourself, and honor your progress.