Self-forgiveness is some of the hardest work you and I will talk about on this blog.
The energy of shame and guilt are the lowest and heaviest vibrations. They make us sick. They make us feel drained and plummet our self-worth.
It is difficult work, but it is usually necessary for wholeness. And no one can do it for us. No one can forgive us for us.
We have to decide to forgive ourselves and then try to figure out how.
I have strategies here to help get you started with this work.
But before we talk about self-forgiveness, I am going to talk to you about Voice of Fear and Voice of Courage.
Voice of Fear is like that little proverbial devil on your shoulder, but instead of talking you into bad decisions, he is constantly lying to you.
In fact, the first thing you need to know about Voice of Fear is…
EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS A LIE.
He is going to lie to you about everything. He will lie to you about your worth, make you doubt your relationships, say that you don’t deserve to be happy, that you will never accomplish enough or be good enough.
He has lies for you in every area of your life.
Even though he lies about everything, we are most affected by the lies that are connected to our vulnerabilities. I call them “vulnerability cracks”.
Any little doubt is a crack that Voice of Fear can rip open and exploit, and claim as his territory.
He exploits these vulnerabilities with Voice of Fear Scripts. These scripts are the limiting beliefs and negative self-talk you hear playing over and over in your head.
He has these scripts for every situation, thought, action, goal, and experience you have.
And Voice of Fear has a set of scripts he uses specifically when you are trying to grow and heal. These are scripts he uses to keep you playing small so he can stay in control.
Because self-forgiveness is an act of self-love, he will have a set of scripts he uses against you while you try to do this work.
This could sound like
“Who do you think you are to ask for this forgiveness?”
“You don’t deserve this forgiveness.”
“What you did is so horrible it cannot be forgiven.”
That is Voice of Fear. To do our forgiveness work, we have to talk about the blocks to loving ourselves. Voice of Fear is the source of those blocks.
We can’t pour fear, anger, and disgust on ourselves and expect positive outcomes. We can’t hate ourselves enough to forgive ourselves.
And that is why we also learn about Voice of Courage. This voice is the persona of love in action.
While Voice of Fear lies to us about everything and wants us to stay broken, Voice of Courage basically has one lesson.
Voice of Courage says…
“Love yourself, exactly as you are, right now, with no conditions.”
Even though I’m fat?
Love yourself.
Even though I don’t make as much money as my brother?
Love yourself.
Even though I skipped yoga to binge watch Game of Thrones?
Love yourself.
We usually struggle with this message from Voice of Courage. Are we suppose to just keep eating foods that make us sick, be content with our money, and keep skipping yoga?
No. The difference is that we have to approach this work motivated by love for ourselves.
Link arms with Voice of Courage instead of Voice of Fear.
The problem is some Voice of Fear territory is especially difficult to hand over to Voice of Courage for healing.
This territory is the trickiest because, when we are there, we think we DESERVE what he is saying to us. We hear his lies as TRUTH.
The territory is self-forgiveness work.
How can we live with ourselves after we’ve done something we regret?
On the continuum of “failures,” where is the point of no return, when you actually aren’t good enough anymore? Where you don’t deserve to be happy and aren’t lovable?
Where do you draw the line in the sand that, if crossed, means you deserve to hear whatever Voice of Fear is telling you, and that the horrible things he is saying are true?
What vulnerability crack do we willingly hand over to Voice of Fear and let him have for the rest of our lives?
Is it never graduating high school?
Flunking college?
Getting fired from your job?
Getting divorced?
Having an affair?
Disappearing on your family?
Being a drug addict?
Not being there for a loved one in their hour of need?
You might know some of the lines you’ve drawn, even if they are hard to admit. We usually judge others for crossing that line, either as horrible people if they did it on purpose (cheating on someone), or people who deserve our pity if it was out of their control (being cheated on).
Either way, crossing that line represents a shame that forever changes our worth. It’s a vulnerability crack we don’t think we deserve to close, and we just surrender it to Voice of Fear.
Crossing the “line” will make VOF say
“This horrible thing you did will always be part of you.”
“You should always be ashamed of this.”
“You have to do x, y, and z to make this right, but I will never let you forget that you did this.”
The problem is, if we let Voice of Fear claim that territory, that part of us can never be healed. We will never be whole.
We will never really accept love and healing from Voice of Courage, because there will always be a part of us that is “wrong”. As long as we think like that, we can never let that part be healed.
This is hard, I know. But we are going to have to deliberately seek out Voice of Courage. What is her input here?
“Forgive yourself, exactly as you are, right now, with no conditions.”
Even though I did something horrible that I can’t undo?
Forgive yourself.
But it was really stupid and I knew better.
Forgive yourself.
But it hurt alot of people.
Forgive yourself.
Forgiveness is an act of love, and forgiving yourself is the most loving thing you could do in this moment.
I already know whats happening next in your brain. Voice of Fear might relinquish some territory “willingly” but show up disguised as “Voice of Reason” and say, “OK, well it might be fine if you flunk out of college. But you can’t kill people. I mean, you can’t be Hitler.”
Do you see how that just moves the line on the continuum to another place? Voice of Fear doesn’t care where you mark the point of no return. He just waits until you decide where it is, and then uses it to manipulate you.
Let’s not indulge him. Let’s try to ignore him again and really, on purpose, deliberately bring our focus back to Voice of Courage.
She tells us, “Forgive yourself, exactly as you are, right now, with no conditions.”
Don’t you wish I had a better answer? One that would satisfy our sadist Voice of Fear by listing everything you had to do to EARN forgiveness?
Even if I said, “Say these 10 affirmations, write an apology letter, shave your head, and never use plastic straws again”…
In the end of all that, would you forgive yourself?
No. That list agrees with Voice of Fear that you don’t deserve forgiveness, and that you don’t deserve to close that crack.
If there is a list in your head of what you must do before you deserve forgiveness, Voice of Fear created it.
So I specifically asked my Voice of Courage,
“Is there a point of no return?
Would I still really be lovable if I did something so horrible?
Could I even live with myself after something like that?”
This is what Voice of Courage said…
We all have mistakes in our past we regret.
People hurt each other and themselves, sometimes on accident and sometimes not.
Once it’s done, you can’t go back and undo it, no matter how much you wish you could.
These mistakes happen to all of us, and no matter how hard we try, we can’t avoid them.
The trick will be to still love yourself.
The shame and regret can be painful, and we can get crushed under the weight of Voice of Fear.
Somehow, you have to dig deep and forgive yourself.
It won’t mean you like or agree with the choices you made. It just means you still know your worth when its over, and that your worth HAS NOT CHANGED.
It’s ok to learn from your mistakes, and want to treat yourself and others better.
But we cannot fear the mistake, and mark it as the point of no return, or we empower Voice of Fear to exploit us.
You have to love yourself first.
You can’t get better out of self-loathing.
You will still be sick. You have to start from a place of love.
You have to do better because you love yourself, not because you hate yourself.
Hold on to the unshakable truth that you are always lovable, and always deserve happiness and your own forgiveness.
Absolutely nothing can change that.
One strategy I have for cultivating this love and unshakable truth within us is to soften our hearts to other people when they cross the line.
It doesn’t mean we like what they did, or agree with it. But the people and situations we find the most challenging are maps to Voice of Fear territory.
If we don’t give Voice of Fear a platform for judging other people’s lives and decisions, we get used to taking away his platform for judging OUR lives and decisions.
We can’t use fear, anger, and disgust (all from Voice of Fear) and expect positive outcomes. Softening our hearts to our mistakes and the mistakes of others cultivates compassion within us and equips us to be more resilient to Voice of Fear.
Compassion for ourselves and others is kryptonite to Voice of Fear.
My one suggestion for now is to take the first step towards forgiveness by starting to become familiar with your Voice of Courage. This is the voice that draws us closer to healing and wholeness.
Consider handing your deepest fears over to Voice of Courage for input. Remember, this voice wants you to forgive yourself, right now, exactly as you are, with no conditions. Voice of Fear will say your mistakes affect your worth, and will try to convince you that you do not deserve to forgive yourself.
That’s ok. Just keep turning to your Voice of Courage and asking her,
“What is the most loving thing I can do for myself right now?
What is the most loving thing I can tell myself in this moment?”
This will help you align with the energy of that healing voice inside you.